Okay, tonight, i feel like dirt. absolutely like dirt, and very stupid too. Ochi just spent near two hours in my room dissing me about how I could have ever dated a chinaman, and although part of that feeds my ego for the fact that from the way he says it, he's trying to say i deserved so much better; but I feel absolutely like crap however, cos he just emblazoned the flat fact that I've been w a chinaman for like 3yrs, and how could I ever be so idiotic.

Clement gave me the same looks too that day at Esther's party!! ARGHHHH I can just stab myself to death. Whyever did I not see two years ago from this perspective? If only I could have thought this way earlier. So what's good about SHanghai? It's still chinah. Urgh Why does Ochi's perspective matter in the first place. I really feel damn stupid. SOmeone shoulda slapped me awake earlier.

Oh man. and Clement asked stuff that made me think. Just, really think. And sometimes it just seems scary that maybe, even if someone good really wants me, maybe, I might not want him cos I don't know what good I'll give back, and hell. That is a such a stupid thought. What's w e inferiority complex man. Argh. Ochi at 5am totally drives me nuts.